Controversial Parenting or Cultural Differences? Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother Speaks of Common Parenting Issues

 

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

By Amy Chua

Penguin Group, 2011

Hardcover, 234 ppg.

ISBN: 978-1-59420-284-1

 

 

When I started reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, I knew there was a lot of controversy about it. I did not buy this book; I happened upon it when I was at a Little Free Library. I was aware of its past and of the many critical comments it received, so that’s why I chose to take the book and read it. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.

 

As I read this book, I soon found out. The author does not speak very kindly of Western parents, and keeps stating that Chinese parents were far superior to Western parents. In her view, Chinese parents raised their kids to excel academically due to their expectation that their kids ALWAYS get straights As. According to the author, children of Western parents are just dumb, lazy, prone to drug addiction and basically lost. A lot of these sentiments angered me. First of all, I felt it was wrong for the author to judge ALL Western parents so poorly, let alone have a very low opinion of our children. Second, I had to wonder about just what kind of other families this woman socialized with to cause her to develop such a very low opinion about Western parents and their children.

 

I considered the timeliness of this book in my reactions to it. It turns out that is not an issue. This book began in 2009 (according to the author) and it was published in 2011. Now, in 2022, I have to wonder if her opinions of Western parents still held any merit. The thing about putting your opinions into a book, however, is that those opinions remain in the book FOREVER and, no matter how many years later a reader comes across such opinions, this reader will believe that the author’s opinions are still the same.

 

But are they valid? I really don’t think so. Yes, I have seen some examples of poor parenting among Western parents (me among them), but I really don’t believe that it’s fair to assume that ALL Western parents are bad parents with children who are losers with a bad influence. I am sure there are some GOOD Western parents out there. Heck, my neighbors, who ARE Western parents, are GOOD parents! I have had the pleasure of coming across some others as well.

 

Even so, as much as Chua’s experience raising her daughters seems to be exclusively Chinese, I did notice some parallels to Western parenting. For one thing, there was the constant bickering between mother and child to get them to do the things they needed to do (chores, practice, etc.). For another, one of her daughters went through an extreme stage of rebellion, and no matter how much Chua complained that her daughter was acting like “a typical American teenager”, I had to wonder if this sort of experience is not so much a Western one but a universal one. Do all parents struggle with rebelliousness in their children, regardless of the country or culture?

 

Rebellion is definitely something I was able to relate to with this book, as my youngest went through this stage as well. However, they went through this stage before the onset of puberty, and not during the teen years. When they were younger, they were diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and I soon found out just how “defiant” my child could be! The thing about kids with ODD is that they do not respect authority, and that was definitely evident with my youngest. We went through what I consider to be not so much a “rebellious stage” but more of a “nightmare stage.” They refused to listen to a single thing I said. Asking them to do something instantly set off a tantrum, no matter how small my request was. We were constantly bickering with each other and their behavior towards others was constantly sarcastic and hostile. We were constantly working with them and having several school meetings. But no matter how hard things got, I NEVER gave up on my child. I never said “Okay, fine, have it your way, I’ll just go to yoga class and drink wine.” I was ALWAYS on their case about their behavior and attitude. I even had to adopt the role of drill sergeant at one point! And all of that work paid off because, in the end, my youngest and I are closer than ever before. These days, their behavior is much better, they are polite towards authority, and they do respond in a calmer way when asked to do something.

 

That is one thing I was able to relate to with Chua. When she went through a “war zone” with her youngest whose rebellion was off the charts, I nodded in agreement when she said she was NOT going to give up on her daughter. People told her to “go easy” on this child or to give her a break, but she did not. She stuck to her guns and saw it through.

 

That’s what you have to do with your kids when they are struggling, acting out or just being a “typical” tween or teenager. You stick to your guns! You get on their cases and keep at it with them. You don’t allow them to decide on how they will behave or act or what they do; you as the parent make those decisions. Our kids need us to be their guide. They especially need us when they are struggling or lost in their way. They need us as a reminder that we are their parent, we are in control of the situation, and we will help them through it, no matter how bad things get. I never gave up on my child when life was hell for us and she never gave up on her child, either. I was very pleased to see this. She did eventually see what was wrong and found a way to make peace with her daughter in the end, and I thought that was a beautiful and powerful “aha!” moment. In the end, no matter what, our kids are what matters. Sometimes, we have to make sacrifices, or else we lose them.

 

I also related to Chua in enrolling her children into music lessons. For her, the oldest was on the piano and the youngest was on violin. In my case, it was the opposite: My oldest took to the violin and my youngest took to the piano. I always wondered why my oldest became interested in learning how to play the violin but then I assumed it had to do with his fascination with the BBC TV show Sherlock Holmes. Sadly, both of my kids eventually abandoned their music lessons, just as both of them had eventually abandoned their interest in sports (both of them have played basketball and baseball, and my youngest also played soccer). However, unlike with sports, there is that lingering desire for music. My oldest has no intention of resuming violin lessons (he ended up later taking lessons in how to play a ukulele), but my youngest would like to resume piano lessons. I hope to make that happen for them at some point! But unlike Chua, I did not push when my oldest didn’t want violin lessons anymore. (What IS it with kids not wanting to take violin lessons forever???) I don’t regret not pushing my oldest to continue with the violin, and as I read about the struggles Chua went through in forcing her daughter to take violin lessons and playing for a crowd, I had to wonder if ours would have been the same fate.

 

This book was a very interesting look at just one kind of parenting experience, let alone one experienced by a family observing the Chinese way of parenting. No matter what kind of parenting style a parent chooses to use, however, ultimately we must see our children as unique individuals. We cannot raise them with old fashioned and outdated demands heaped upon them that take away any sense of individuality, personality and control. No matter the age, kids DO want some sense of control over their lives, without a parent micromanaging every minute of it. They need to be offered choices – for example, ask them if they want to eat this or that for dinner and ask them what kind of clothes they want to wear. They need to be offered choices so that they can learn how to make good decisions for themselves. They need time for play in which they can make their own choices on what to do. They need time for rest in which they are in control of that short time period. And they need to have some room for their own personalities and their own qualities to shine. In essence, they need to be allowed to be who they are, what makes them uniquely their own person, without a demanding, hovering parent dictating who they should be. Chua’s book has a happy, positive and satisfying ending which really highlighted a positive family dynamic.

 

I am glad I read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and now I see just how important it is to open our minds to books about controversial topics and diverse cultures. By doing so, we have the opportunity to really think about them and becoming aware of these differences in lifestyle, rather than ignoring them just because they are different from us. It’s important to explore books about different cultures, lifestyles, beliefs and experiences and figure out what they mean to us. These books serve as a good reminder of just how diverse our country is as a whole. Just because some readers got fired up over certain things in a book, that doesn’t mean everybody should avoid reading that book. It just means that it is the kind of book that makes us think, and really, that’s what a good book should do.